Always, Never Say Anything About Everything
- Eric Thorsen
- Jul 10, 2024
- 2 min read
Effective communication and active listening are important parts of the coaching work I do both as a CEO and executive coach.
There are patterns…more specifically, some words that can cause a lot of unnecessary strife when trying to communicate simple issues…it’s time to retire these words!
“You’re always late for every meeting”
“You never contribute to any discussions”
“You always leave the toilet seat up!” (I told my wife, I’m working on this 😁 )
It’s a common initial response to any type of criticism to be defensive. In each of the cases above, there is some behavior for which there is a desire for change:
▶ Be on time for meetings.
▶ Contribute more to discussions.
▶ Close the toilet when you’re done using it.
The way they are phrased with the black and white terms of always, every, never, any, significantly distracts from the message.
The likely focus of the listener will be on those terms vs the actual problem being addressed.
▶ “I’m not late for every meeting”
▶ “I have contributed to at least one discussion”
▶ “I close the toilet most of the time” (I promise…this is the truth!)
Let’s consider the first message without these black and white terms; more factual with the impact and desire for change in the message:
“You’ve been late to the last 2 weeks of status meetings. It’s disruptive and disrespectful to the rest of the team. Please be on time moving forward.”
▶ There are specific quantifiable facts about the problem.
▶ There is a description about the impact the behavior is having.
▶ There is the desired outcome described.
When the receiver hears this message, there is clarity around the problem, the effect the behavior is causing and desired outcome…it’s clear and not distracting.
I encourage people I’m coaching to avoid using words like every, always, never, everywhere, etc when communicating.
▶ Be specific, preferably with factual information.
▶ Be clear about the impact the behavior is having on you and/or the team
▶ Be concise in explaining what you need
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